Ask a Friend: Heartbreak, Estrangement, Awkwardness & Breakups

Welcome to our new feature: Ask a Friend. Now, we aren't trained professionals, therapists, or anything; we are just two people who love to give advice, to be that shoulder to lean on, that person to vent to, that big sister who imparts her “wisdom”. We aim to provide impartial, unbiased, and hopefully helpful advice, designed not just to answer your question but to encourage you to choose yourself, grow, and keep your mind open.

This one is a very special one, not just because it is the first in the series, but because of the depth of the topics discussed: Heartbreak, Estrangement, Awkwardness, Breakups, Self-Confidence, Friendships and new starts.

If you have a problem, question, or just need some advice, you can get involved by emailing us: contact@collectiveeditmagazine.com

“My ex just had a baby, and I'm all down in her memories now”

- Male 21

This is hard. Like really hard. I imagined myself in this situation and, quite frankly, began to feel lightheaded and physically unwell. Probably not the most reassuring thing to hear, but that doesn't mean you're destined to feel this way forever. This situation is incredibly complex: on one hand, you have your feelings: maybe nostalgia, regret, grief for the future you may have still had held out hope that the two of you might one day have. I'd say sit with those feelings, feel them, don't bury them, but don't wallow. Work through it, write, walk, sing, whatever helps you process. 

Now, I would say contact her, maybe controversial. Write a message congratulating her and expressing happiness for her, but only if you genuinely feel able to do so. Realistically, a new young mother freshly postpartum has enough to cope with already: don't send long, emotional, manipulative or guilt-tripping messages. Again, if you feel able to do so, congratulate her, keep it respectful, don't follow up, don't wait on a reply, don't go into it with any fantasy or expectation. Life is always about human connection; that moment of connection between the pair of you may be surprisingly healing. 

“I’m trying to end a situationship. How should I do it?”

- Male 22

I mean, my initial reaction is I hate situationships. I hate the ambiguity, the tendency for someone to always, always feel confused, hurt, used. But everyone’s different, and there's no judgment here.

I think you have to communicate kindly and directly, set firm boundaries and approach it with empathy. There's no point holding it off, fading it out: the other person can always feel the withdrawal, and that hurts you both a lot more than a “I want to end things”.

You have to do it even though it’s hard; it's never easy to have a conversation like that. However, communication, even in tough conversations, is an important life skill to learn, and if you don't develop the resilience and emotional toolkit and verbiage to do so now, you will struggle in the rest of your life.

“I want to be more confident.”

- Female 19

Now, here's one where Mila and I have a differing approach. 

For me, I say heal whatever it is in yourself that makes you feel small. 

Do the internal work. Confidence won’t change with your looks, your weight, your success or material possessions. It is a state of deep self-love and belief. I think it’s a deeply personal thing that does not develop overnight; it's a journey of understanding why you feel a lack of confidence, healing and confronting those wounds, loving yourself as you are, inside and out.

Everyone lacks confidence for different reasons; you won’t just wake up one day and be confident. You'll have to actively choose confidence and self-love every single day, leave your comfort zone, and fight those internal battles. Grow. Just grow and develop as a human being, as a body, mind and soul.

Now, Mila’s advice is you have to find the things that make you feel happy, comfortable, and confident in yourself, whether that's how you wear your hair, your makeup, the clothes you choose, the career you pursue, or the choices you make.

 Focus on what makes you feel good rather than what other people think is attractive. Confidence comes from doing things you genuinely love and being true to yourself. The more comfortable and secure you become in who you are, the less power other people's opinions will have over you, and the more your own opinion of yourself will matter compared to anyone else's.

Neither approach is wrong or right; there's no one-size-fits-all cure for a lack of confidence. What matters is the drive to change this aspect of your life, to step into power, self-belief and self-love. Good luck on your journey.

“My friend owes me £800, and now he’s dodging me”

- Male 22

First off, don't lend anyone any amount of money you wouldn’t be happy to lose forever unless they’re extremely close to you and you trust them entirely. Even then, if it's a large amount of money and you want reassurance, you can always create a written agreement. But again, I wouldn't recommend lending significant amounts of money to anyone, even family, unless you know they are trustworthy and respectful.

But that being said, hindsight is perfect vision. I'd say send him a message directly, tell him how it is, don’t be afraid to cut that friendship off, too. But also try to understand why he isn’t paying you back. Is it shame surrounding finances? Is he struggling right now? Perhaps you can offer a payment plan if you feel like doing so. However, remember this as a crucial lesson. I don't think anyone likes feeling like they're in debt, like they have to dodge a friend, like they owe money, or maybe I'm naive, maybe some people are perfectly fine like that. But I would say check in on him, if you still value him as a friend, offer support and pursue the funds gently. If he truly just doesn't care or respect you enough to repay you, and there's no deeper issue occurring in his financial life, then you need to decide whether this is something you want to pursue legally. Either way, direct, clear communication is key. 

“Is it weird that my girlfriends and I have a sleepover every week?”

- Female 22

Not weird at all. Sleepovers are fun, and staying up late and chatting is fun. Spending time with the people you love is fun. Don't let anyone make you feel weird for that.

“My boyfriend's close friend's wife doesn’t want to be my friend, he says I should keep trying. Things are awkward, and I don’t want to.”

- Female 32

Be polite, be civil, don’t go out of your way. As long as you're proud of your actions and have been kind and respectful, then you aren’t doing anything wrong. But don't stay in rooms where you aren't valued or wanted; it only ever drains your soul. Communicate this to your boyfriend, explain that you have put forward a sustained effort to be respectful, friendly and civil. If he still doesn't get it, doesn't validate or respect your discomfort in this situation, then that's a bigger conversation to be had.

“I want to move to a new city alone, but I'm not sure if I should.”

- Female 23 

I'll pass this one over to Mila. 

 I'd first ask yourself what specifically is making you hesitant. Is it finding a job, meeting new people, being alone, or not knowing whether you'll like the place?

Whatever the reason, remember that no decision has to be permanent. If you move and decide it's not for you, you can always move back.

That being said, I'd also make sure you have a realistic plan in place, as moving to a new city can be pretty brutal if you don't have a job, savings, accommodation, or some sort of plan lined up. There are also lots of small practical things people don't always think about, such as registering with a GP or budgeting for food and transport or the next steps after you have moved.

At the same time, moving somewhere new can be one of the most exciting and rewarding things you do. You'll learn a lot about yourself, gain independence, and meet people you never would have met otherwise. There is also a level of confidence and resilience that comes from doing something on your own that can be difficult to gain any other way, and I think that is incredibly valuable.

“My girlfriend gets upset over small things, and I feel exhausted trying to manage her emotions”

- Male 31

I think you need to communicate this to her. Sit her down and have a calm, clear discussion. If it helps, I would even suggest writing down a rough outline of what you want to express beforehand.

 Be honest with her about your exhaustion, set some boundaries, try to understand why she may be behaving this way, and what help can she get?

However, if this behaviour is consistent despite efforts along these lines, then you have to prioritise your own mental wellbeing and decide to walk away from the relationship. 

“Why do all my guy friends end up liking me?”

- Female 24

Here's Mila’s advice: I think being a woman in your twenties can be difficult to navigate at times, especially when it comes to friendships, work, and relationships. The more time people spend with you, the more likely they are to develop feelings if they find you funny, interesting, or simply enjoy spending time and talking with you.

That being said, it can be a really disappointing experience when you genuinely value a friendship and find out the other person wants something more, especially if you don't feel the same way. If you find yourself in that situation, I think the best thing you can do is be honest about how you feel, set boundaries, and remain respectful of their feelings as well.

It's also worth remembering that while this can happen, it won't be the case in every friendship. 

“I saw a text on my partner's phone, and now I can't stop thinking about it.”

- Female 28

Confront them. 

By not speaking about this, all that happens is you will become anxious and paranoid, and resentment will build. 

If you want to continue the relationship, you need to be honest and open about what you saw. Ask questions, assert boundaries and as hard as it is, based on his responses, assess whether that is a relationship you want to stay in. The truth is you cannot stop someone from cheating on you through vigilance, monitoring or snooping. A cheater will always find a way to cheat. You cannot control someone else’s actions, but you can determine your own. 

“I think I'm only considering reconnecting with my mom because of my dad”

- Female 22

This is a very hard topic and very hard to answer.

 Having personally experienced estrangement from my own mother by my own choice, what I would recommend is sticking to your boundaries and prioritising your own mental wellbeing and safety. Estrangement is not a decision people come to lightly; it's a tough, ugly, devastating experience.

Explain this to your father. 

Feeling guilt in a situation like this is normal, valid and expected, but that does not mean that those feelings need to be acted upon. It is okay to choose you, it's okay to cut off the people who harm you, and it's okay to prioritise safety and healing.

You should only allow your mother to re-enter your life if that is a decision you make free from all external pressure. Family will not always be understanding of estrangement; they will question you, vilify you and undermine you. Some may hate you for it. The truth is, it will not be easy, but I advise sticking to your own boundaries and respecting yourself enough to be strong in the face of guilt. 

“I literally can't do anything. I'm heartbroken, depressed, and unmotivated: please help”

- Female 21 

Here's Mila's advice: Honestly, I don't think there's one perfect answer. Heartbreak, depression, and feeling unmotivated can be incredibly painful, and unfortunately, there isn't usually a quick fix.

A lot of the things that help can seem quite simple: getting up and going to work, continuing to give yourself a reason to get out of bed in the morning, seeing friends, and getting outside. If you're struggling to cope, talk to your friends, family, a doctor, or your GP. Boring, I know!

However, as painful as it feels right now, I think you have to take it one day at a time. How you feel today is not how you will feel forever, because nothing ever stays the same.