Single in the City: Dating the Modern Manchild

Friday, 9 pm. I was cackling with my girlfriends over what I remember was our second bottle of wine. The topic as usual, men. We love them, we hate them, yet despite our substantially different dating statuses, we found ourselves circling back to the same issue which connected us all. The “manchild” we all sang like Sabrina. A long-term girlfriend, serial situationshipper and confident single found the thread connecting them all. The “manchild”. We beat the dead horse once again, attempting to find a solution. Why could guys “just not get it”? And though we wished we meant sex, instead, a way of thinking and doing that apparently only women understand was allegorised. Why was it that, despite each of us experiencing different breeds of man, could the gender never cooperate perfectly. We found ourselves categorising. Our mouths were desperately working overtime to slur out how manchildren exist in all fonts and ages. The single friend, in a Paddy McGuinness vocal fry exclaimed,

“If I no likey, I don’t lighty”, supporting her move to vet all but her future soulmate.

This form of speech pertained, and the rest of our evening was spent imagining sexy manchild caricatures and played along. Which manchild could we tolerate, who might change, and what red flags instantly turned that light off?

The Weaponised Incompetent:

Picture this – in a world of therapists, mothers, cooks and cleaners… you’re all of them. This man wanders up to the podium casually, disguising entitlement as casual blame upon nature vs nurture. He just “never learnt to do it”, a strategised mistake. The problem with this manchild is that there are almost too many psychoanalytical explanations for this behaviour that it becomes justifiable. It doesn’t stop how your emotions feel. Weaponised incompetency leaves the girlfriend feeling like a forever-intern. Overworked and underpaid, with payment meaning effort. You spin 10 plates on two hands whilst he sits there scrolling, waiting for dinner to be served.

He’s essentially a guide on how patriarchy functions within modern relationships. A weaponised incompetent can’t and will not ever see you or what you do for him as equal. To no surprise, all my girlfriends and I turned our lights off and this manchild was easily the biggest “NO!”. Yet, he was the man whom all of us shared experience with. My biggest advice: notice signs quick before you get dick. Taboo? I think not. If you’re casually dating someone you know is a manchild, take that shot of honesty and respect yourself before it’s too late. If you’re unnerved like long-term girlfriend was, realising she was stuck in a cycle of never-finished progress, Single Man 2 will reveal himself with some more, practical answers.

The Gifted Underachiever:

Stood make-believe centre stage, readying his one sentence sure to snag him a date. “I’ll get that done tomorrow”, he states with dumb swagger. Unaware to him, we’ve given our contestants some emotional translators. Single Man 2 doesn’t know that our girls can see exactly what he really meant - If it’s not done today, it never will be. This phrase is commonly

used by men defensively to fight his nemesis… “the nag”. The nag is a common villainess for the manchild, but for emotionally mature people, she’s really an innocent woman asking for something simple. This allegation is hard to digest, so as women we too often apologise. I want to give you some advice. When you next need something done, say it once, let it simmer, then spin it on him.

 “Oh! Thank you for *(insert request),”, how did you find it?” or “Thanks! That saved me loads of time”.

Re-framing the nag like assumed completion tells manchild that you trust him to get things finished. It also plants a seed of guilt in case your said request isn’t complete. Single Man 2 reveals these qualities typically when dating gets more serious, so I won’t tell you to break things off too hastily. Give him a chance to realise you’re not his mother and he may start enjoying newfound presumed reliability.

Mummy’s Eternal Adolescent:

Like Single Man 1, this “Mummy’s Boy” attracts and exploits an unfairly natural quality of women; We only feel useful when we’re giving. Smothered as a child and into adulthood, this man has never known independence, natural consequences or a hard “No’s”. The scary truth is when you don’t give in, he’ll run back to mummy complaining about the girlfriend who doesn’t fulfil his needs. Not wanting that, you comply with a forced smile that you’re not even aware of.

Single Man 3 loves gaming, lounging and telling you about how great he is. He expects nothing but compliments. He’s almost not to blame, but that shouldn’t sway your decision to stay. I found speaking to Situationship friend that this problem is highlighted through communication. It’s up to him whether he proves himself or not. My friend explained to me that by asking straight-up “why” he needs mother’s approval, an uncomfortable mood-change results in telling confession or pivot. If manchild pivots and believes you can’t handle a man who loves two women, run. If manchild has potential, then he’ll want to understand why you only feel loved when you act like Mama. Maybe he’s got valid reasons to why he seeks the nodding female head. Remember that you and his mother are two entirely different people with entirely different roles – you should be equals in this relationship.

An aside, Paddy McGuinness tells our women that each of these men have a “crazy ex”, and all lights switch off. I completely understand that all relationships have baggage and this plays into new relationships. But it shouldn’t become a repeated excuse for poor behaviour. I’m tempted to add that you know nothing about this woman, just a biased interpretation of Manchild’s impression of a woman who didn’t fulfil his checklist. If you’ve read this far then you’re aware his “checklist” is rooted in sexist expectations that will leave you viscerally unfulfilled.

I licked the last rings of wine rimmed around my glass and said,

“I think that we’re the problem… Where’s our honesty?”

My rhetorical question was met with laughing smiles and agreements. Taking accountability, the manchild is too easy to love and too easy to enable. I may be biased, but my friends and I are awesome people, and we often succumb to our biggest weakness, empathy. We spoke on the importance of boundaries as when we try to understand why these men act like this; we lose sight of our own standards. Boundaries can’t “cure” a manchild but support our wellbeing and values whilst they do the work to make inward change.

We made a pact through song to Sabrina’s Manchild chorus;

“Get outtt-out quick if the boundaries don’t really stick. But ifff they do, you’re not gonna be therapist too”.