Ask a Friend: Breakups, Kissing, and Life

Photographed in the back garden and seating area of Katsute100, Islington, London.

We’re back to give more advice. And from what you’ve been saying to us, advice is definitely needed.

Again, my disclaimer: I’m not a therapist, trained professional or anything. And please don't send me a threat if my advice gets you into a spot of hot water. Although I genuinely can’t see how my advice would be that awful to cause any of that…

This week we’re covering a bit of everything: Living alone, life direction, kissing and rude boyfriends. And that's just a taste.

“I am afraid to kiss my boyfriend.”

-Female, 19

OK, so first off, this is a tricky one. On one hand, I say listen to your body; if it tells you no, listen. On the other, I say face your fears. 

I think it all depends on the why. 

Why are you scared to kiss him? Is it him specifically, or the thought of kissing anyone? Is it a fear of not being a good kisser? Because if it's that, avoiding the problem won't help. 

I think my advice is to look inwards. Understand the why and then work backwards from that.

“How to not be bothered by unwanted attention from grown men?”

-Female, 17

It's really hard not to be. It can make you feel unsafe, perceived, irritated, angry, upset, violated or anything really. And all those feelings are valid.

I think it's hard to preach “just ignore it” or “don't let it get to you”. Because we are humans and have feelings at the end of the day.

I am now 22 and have been experiencing catcalling for as long as I can remember, whether it was out of a car window when I was wearing my school uniform, or out shopping with my mother when a man would shout “Are you two sisters?”

It was and still is uncomfortable. And to this day I am still unable to be unbothered by it. But what I did learn was to not let those feelings linger. If I'm upset, angry, grossed out, I let myself feel it; it's valid, it's natural. But then I let it go. I let the feeling leave me. I focus on myself, my day, the people around me. I keep moving.

At the end of the day, we can't control other people's actions and as disgusting as this unwanted attention is, it's out of our control. But we can control whether it ruins our day.

“First time living alone in my mid 20’s. Any advice or tips on solo living?” 

-Male, 25

Self-care. Leave the house at least once a day. Make sure to socialise well. Find a routine. And honestly, if you can, get a cat.

I’d also say get into a habit of cleaning a little bit every day. Sounds boring, but living alone for the first time, for me at least, the biggest shock was exactly how much cleaning is needed to keep your home tidy, fresh and well, just not disgusting.

“I feel like I self-sabotage every relationship I have before it even starts.”

-Female, 21

Honestly, been there, done that. Maybe still do.

It's really hard. And without sounding preachy, it's something you have to get under control so you don't hurt yourself and others.

I know I say this a lot, but look inside. Why? Is the most important question you can ask yourself. Is it a fear of abandonment, commitment, responsibility, intimacy? Emotional unavailability?

Once you identify the why, you can start working on the remedy.

It won't always be simple or easy, but self-awareness is an incredibly important skill in interrupting these behaviours, and it's one that's best learned as soon as possible and applied to all areas of life.

“When my boyfriend is tired he becomes really rude, and I’m tired of it.”

-Female, 22

To be blunt. It's just not okay. Tiredness, stress, anxiety, anything, is not an excuse to be rude to the people around you, not even a cashier in the shop, let alone your partner.

You have two options in my opinion:

1. Talk to him, set a boundary and a clear consequence if your boundary is not respected.

2. Breakup.

Do not tolerate this behaviour. Don’t give him a million chances. Don’t let him try and guilt trip you, manipulate you or gaslight you. Firm boundaries and self-love are my advice.

“How do you know when it’s time to walk away from someone you really care about?”

-Male, 24

Now this is a tricky question. And it's a question I'm sure a lot of us have had to ask ourselves and others, whether it's about a friend, a partner or even a parent.

In my opinion, it's about patterns in behaviour and when that behaviour is harmful to you, physically, mentally, financially or emotionally.

Everyone has rough patches,  and I'd never advocate for people to abandon those they care about in their times of need or struggle. Community and showing up for each other selflessly and consistently is important.

However, when someone you care about has behaviour that harms you, themselves or others and this behaviour is a recurring pattern, you are fully justified to walk away. If you've spoken to them about it and they've not listened, walk away. If they say sorry over and over with no change, walk away.

It's time to walk away when behaviour becomes a pattern, a pattern they will not, for whatever reason, change.

“One of my friends has been distant with me for the past week and I don’t know what to do about it.”

-Male, 23

Ask them.

In all relationships, in whatever form they take, open, honest and empathetic communication is key.

Just a simple text, phone call or conversation in person. Ask how they are, say you've noticed they've been distant and wanted to check in on them. They may open up and tell you they're struggling; they may have been busy, or there may be an issue between the two of you. Either way, open communication gives you an answer. It lets you know how to navigate the friendship.

“I'm 18, and I have no idea what to do with my life. How do I find out what I'm passionate about and pick a career?”

-Female, 18

First of all, I’d say very rarely do any of us actually truly know what we want to do with our lives, especially not at 18. Don't beat yourself up about this at all. I know that with university, careers, parental pressure, comparison to friends and even the success stories we see shoved down our throats online, it can feel very pressing and urgent, but life is taken at the pace that feels the most comfortable and authentic to you; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I would start by looking at what you enjoy. Maybe you have a hobby, or had a favourite subject at school, which could be a good avenue to start looking into the possibilities around. Try new things, learn new things, speak to people. 

Personally, I’d also say if you're unsure what you want to do and are planning on going to university, take a gap year if you can or select a degree with a lot of career possibilities open to it. This could be anything from English to maths to business.

Don't be embarrassed to try your hand at a lot of different things either.

And remember, there's no correct timeline that you have to follow in life.