Single in the City: What to Do About a Bad Texter

Collin Knopp-Schwyn, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

I feel like the worst part of modern dating is texting. It sounds like a silly thing to take issue with; I'm aware. But it's actually pretty awful.

It's undeniable that texting is a massive part of how we communicate with the people we are either dating or hoping to date, in a relationship or a situationship with. And I also think it's undeniable that it plays a massive role in the success of these connections.

Personally, I don't like game players. You took 40 minutes to reply, so I’m taking 2 hours. No thanks. I am shameless about it. I don't care how long you took; if I want to reply, I will. But I also am not going to beg it. And by beg it, I mean why would I even bother to reply to someone who's dry, playing that game or just, like, not my style. 

And I do feel like texting styles are a thing.

You have the clingy texters: every ten minutes, day to night, double, triple texting. 

You have the sparse texters, the people who genuinely would rather call or know that a handful of good conversations a day is worth more than 75 texts of pure rubbish. I think I fall into this category. Closeness and quality of connection are not defined by the quantity of texts.

You have the creeps who will spam you until you reply, message you on multiple platforms or just bombard you with TikToks and Instagram Reels on top of all of that. Look, everyone's different, but I have to draw the line somewhere. 

You have the people who send 20 different short texts instead of a paragraph or full sentence (guilty).

You have the good morningers. 

You have the ones who seem to only know what a phone is after 11 pm (avoid).

And honestly, there are probably people I'm missing out on. Like the ones who text like someone's grandma, or a Year 9 girl in her first relationship. (You don't need to tell me you miss me 10 times a day, send long goodnight messages and “cute emojis”)

The way we communicate has changed, and maybe your mum is right; maybe it really is that damn phone.

How many of us have been guilty of waiting on a text, playing the reply time game, and some of you probably have been the clingy texter?

And how many more of us have actually written off people over their texting?

My point is, it is a big deal. And a dealbreaker for many of us at that.

I cannot even count the number of times I’ve had to help a friend write a text, discussed when she should reply, if she should even reply. Reassured someone about response times. Helped decode confusing texts. Looked at screenshots. The list goes on.

Minefield much?

The Bad Texter

A question I do want to tackle and attempt to impart some wisdom on is is there a such thing as a bad texter? And by bad texter I mean someone who takes a long time to reply. 

When I was thinking about the premise of this article I had a scroll on TikTok, not the best source of information, i'm aware. But I came across a premise.

Some people speak to you in their free time, and some people free time to speak to you.

Essentially the communication version of if he wanted to, he would.

The judgements in the comments across posts that shared this rhetoric were damning. They expressed that a man who is a bad texter simply needs to go.

Dump him. Block him. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t even like you.

Now, I think this is actually valid in a lot of cases. But not all.

In my opinion it is about consistency and what you personally can tolerate. If someone acts disinterested, confusing or even mean in person, bin them off. If they don't put in effort or show initiative into seeing you, going on dates, spending quality time, bin them off. 

But if they are engaged, invested and making you feel wanted in person, but a bad texter, hesitate.

I think sometimes its truly not that deep. Someone can truly never be on their phone, be busy, forget to reply or just hate texting and still really like you, want to pursue you and be an engaged and healthy partner. If they put in effort and are consistent everywhere else I say you need to either communicate boundaries around texting, contact, communication: whatever you want to call it. Leave. Or learn to live with it.

I used to be the type who would only feel secure in a relationship if there was constant and consistent communication. Multiple texts a day, everyday. Actually, a lot of texts.

But what I learned is object permanence, or more appropriately, I will call it people permanence. Same basic concept, but obviously (and I hope we can all agree) people are not objects.

Just because you haven't texted 25 times in a day, just because there are hours of no contact, just because someone may be a bad texter, doesn't mean the relationship, the feelings, the connection or the commitment have disappeared. Just because they are not there and immediately available to you doesn't necessarily mean we need to assume the worst.

The Hell That Is Attachment Styles

I also think it is important in this conversation to acknowledge attachment styles. Now I am not a psychological expert, but I am aware that there are four types: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganised attachment and secure attachment. It is also probably important to note that not everyone falls neatly into each category; we are complicated at the end of the day.

It would be extremely naive to say that these do not significantly shape the way we experience dating and relationships.

A person with anxious attachment, when dealing with a bad texter, may experience uncertainty; they may seek reassurance that the connection still exists; they may repeatedly check their phone and experience anxiety, as the name suggests.

A person with an avoidant attachment style may experience an opposite effect. Perhaps relief from the pressure of a relationship. They may suddenly devalue the relationship. They may even prepare to do the classic avoidant move of leave, avoid, get out.

Now a person with a disorganised attachment style can feel a mixture of both. Anxiety, avoidance, anger, protest. They may withdraw in an act of self-protection. They may experience the push-pull effect: they want you desperately when you're distant and not so much when you're available.

And then obviously there is healthy, or secure attachment, although I hate the name “healthy” because I think it is only natural as human beings to feel a lot of emotion when a relationship with someone we care about experiences either a real or perceived threat.

A secure attachment style would look like rationalisation: accepting or assuming a benign explanation- they’re busy, they’re not on their phone and so on. No spiralling, no withdrawal, no double texting. An understanding that the connection is still intact.

And I think dealing with a bad texter, or just texting in general, is massively so hard because of the variation of these attachment styles we encounter when dating.

Someone with a secure attachment style may think nothing of being a bad texter. But if the person on the other end is an avoidant or an anxious, they think about it, like, a lot. 

So what to do? Do we grill everyone we date or want to date on their attachment style? Do we only partner up with people who have a complementary style? Or, for our own mental and emotional well-being, do we all aim to move towards secure attachment styles if we do not already have one? And obviously, that last one is much easier said than done.

I think it's about empathy. Being empathetic to the people you date and being kind to yourself.

Although, personally, I would avoid an avoidant at all costs. Sorry.

The truth is two people can experience the same connection, or more precisely, the same text thread in completely different ways. 

And no two experiences, or at least feelings towards the experience, are wrong or right. 

So What Do We Do?

Now, I’m not advocating for us all to be okay with low-effort or absent partners, because we should all remember our value, our standards and hold on to our self-worth tightly. But we should also remember to be rational and stop jumping to the worst possible conclusions. And I think we should also remember that dating is about compatibility as much as it is about attraction or personality matches. 

We shouldn't just ask: Is this person attractive to me, do I like their personality, do I like the way they text?

We should ask if the way they approach relationships and connections, communication, commitment and expectations of themselves and their partners are compatible with us. 

And there is absolutely no shame in concluding that no, it is not. 

Because texting isn't the cause of relationship (or connection or whatever you want to call it) breakdowns; in my opinion, it is only a symptom. Compatibility is.